I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
