i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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