It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize