Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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