U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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