Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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