we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
