Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
