she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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