Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
