somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize