Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
