It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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