hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
