Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
