come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize