Will you blow on my dice?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
