bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
