can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Houston, we have a squirter
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
