Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
