Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
