You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
