My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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