Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
