spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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