I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
