Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
