The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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