i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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