i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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