i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
