I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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