OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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