I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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