Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Life is so much better after having sex.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
