I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
