This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
