what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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