Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
