So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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