If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
