we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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