I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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