do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
