Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
