she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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