i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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