Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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