the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think i got beer on your cat.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
