am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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