I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
