I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize