he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
