he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
