so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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