oh god was she eating orange peels again
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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