I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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