its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
