Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
