I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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