Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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