How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Randomize
