Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
