Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize