drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
