I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
