can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
