I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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