Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
